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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The 4 stages of a family vacation