Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company