person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Cha-ching is my safe word
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.