person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.