Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!