person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me