person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.