Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AM I BEING GASLIT????

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

The two types of wives

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!