*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
birds and squirrels envy us
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
(Jupiter –
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.