*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?