Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?