Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Hmmmmmmm….

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Not all heroes wear capes….

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir