person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Money is the root of all wealth
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese