Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

Planet of the Apps.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”