person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
You Might Also Like
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die