Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

i was baptized in a car wash

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

For the ones in the back.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?