Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You Might Also Like
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America