Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
i feel so bad i refunded him
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Meat Cute
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
