Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
