Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
LOL
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
