Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

checking out some reviews of my local library

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.