Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.