Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”