Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
This is my favorite one of these!
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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf