Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
M: yes

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I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…


*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*


Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.


What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression


Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’


ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later


When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.


Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.


I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.


dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
me: Are you crying?