@CArmanthegirl

Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
M: yes

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@Papa_Mex

I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

@catstronomical

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

@Browtweaten

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

@MelKassel

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@theshantilly

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

@LaniBeno

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

@iwearaonesie

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?