[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Go girl power!
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’