I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
What if I don’t take meds?
What are the side effects of meds?
What if I stop taking the meds?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
me: Are you crying?