PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
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gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Natty or not?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes