Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

hmmmmmm

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Y’all know who you are.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know