Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

if a cop pulls u over play dead

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.