Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
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washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.