Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.