Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Attacked by a mop.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
bros in the example zone 😭
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
