Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I disagree with my politics

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

*seductively peels off lederhosen

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Did my cat write this

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.