Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it