Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I’m confused about plants
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired