Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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Weighing up my bread heating options
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”