Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year