Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.