Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If my kids invented a drink.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.