Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Twitter is the new flypaper.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin