Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

🖤✌🏽

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.