Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Every work call, he judges.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)