Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
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“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?