Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

love pickles so much i put myself in one