Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.