Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

This is my emotional support knife.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

A little too much information.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Match dot com, but for socks.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.