Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My last name is Zilla.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…