Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
i smell a pulitzer
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.