Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Nothing to do, you say?

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten