Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then