Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY