Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

Godspeed, John Glenn

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?