Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Mad Max: Furry Road
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.