Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably