PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
How do dragons blow out candles?
at ease…shoulder.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.