Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.