PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
[montage of me giving-up]
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.