Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Terribly Tuesday.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Why is everyone getting married at me
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’