Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

I’m not proud

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.