Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

CRYING

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?