Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

it’s not been my year

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’