A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.