Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.
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One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.