@JKickinit30

Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.

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@jergarl

One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

@drinksmcgee

I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.

@GrantTanaka

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

@dave_cactus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.