Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
It’s actually Dr. whatever
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.