Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Okey dokey.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg