Personal question. #JustSaying
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.