Personal question. #JustSaying
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
What a kind woman! 😂😂
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.