Personal question. #JustSaying
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes