When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:
DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.