My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
ACED my prostate exam!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit