@nonprophetess
@kyle_thatisall
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
You Might Also Like
@kyle_thatisall
@FeralCrone
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
@juliussharpe
A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.
@TedOfficialPage
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
@ShortSleeveSuit
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
@mewritesgood
I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:
DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!Life lessons
@carlyken
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
@iGreenMonk
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
@timdonakowski
After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.