Personal question. #JustSaying
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Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
