Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*