Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?