Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

When you have to use a public restroom.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this