Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I can’t stop laughing at this
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people