Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

wow