Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*