Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Twitter remains undefeated
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.