@SugarMagicSpice

Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?

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@Dr_awfulpants

[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

@ArfMeasures

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@mexinonblonde

*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@MmeSurly

My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.