@SugarMagicSpice

Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?

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@jordan_stratton

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?

@Ideal_Victoria

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@lecalabara

Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

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@ddsmidt

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

@mrsmith196645

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

@Kyle_Raney

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP