Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?

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[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.


Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.


DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful


Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?


*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks*
What do you want?

Him-Whatever you want.

Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*


When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone


My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.