Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?

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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.


Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?


Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.


Her: Which actress would you like to get stuck in an elevator with? Me: One who knows how to fix elevators.


I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.




A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.


Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.


Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP