@SugarMagicSpice
@OBiiieeee my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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@OBiiieeee 
@Diversion50 I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
@robin_991 hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
@UnFitz It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
@mahatmatweeter That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.
@THEINBREDCAT Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?
@neonorchid1 If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…
A: By Aliens
B: By the men in white coats
C: Into custody
@Fred_Delicious Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
@UncleDuke1969 “Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
@HonestToddler Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.