Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?

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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas


I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.


hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?


It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.


That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.


Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?


If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody


Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”


Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.