When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Tuesday
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Ugh
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.