my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Personal trainer: Have you ever done a marathon?
Me: Like on Netflix?
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Her: How come?
Her: I’m sorry what?
If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…
A: By Aliens
B: By the men in white coats
C: Into custody
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.