Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard